Feed Your Ex to a Bear This Valentine’s Day—or Name a Cockroach After Them

Thanks to an Oregon wildlife rehabilitation center, you can get some post-breakup catharsis by feeding your ex to a bear… sort of. Wildlife Images Education and Rehabilitation Center in Grants Pass is having a Valentine’s Day fundraiser called “Catch and Release” that allows you to name a salmon after your ex, and then the fish will be fed to the center’s 1000-pound brown bears, Kodi and Yak, according to Jelisa Castrodale for Munchies.

The petty satisfaction of watching the fish version of your ex disappear down the maw of one of nature’s greatest predators is yours with a $20 donation. According to the center, it’s been so overwhelmed with support that it can no longer honor its initial promise to send patrons photos of the bears snapping each salmon-ex to bits. But, if you’re okay with simply imagining the goriness of the carnal closure, you can still snag a salmon before the Hallmark-funded holiday from hell.

Perhaps a salmon isn’t a base enough animal form for your ex; after all, you compared them to vermin more than once. Not to worry: According to the BBC, the El Paso Zoo is holding a similar program called “Quit Bugging Me” where you can name a cockroach after your ex, which will then be fed to a meerkat.

The names of exes will be displayed around the meerkat enclosure and the event will be live streamed on Facebook via the zoo’s “meerkat cam,” so spurned lovers across the globe can tune in to the feeding frenzy. Rest assured that your cockroach-ex will make these meerkats much happier than they ever made you: the insects are “the equivalent of cookies” to the meerkats, so each animal will receive only one treat, Sarah Borrego, the event’s organizer, told the BBC.

According to WILX-10, the program was so successful the zoo had to stop accepting names. But not to worry, other zoos around the world from Virginia to the United Kingdom have caught on to the cockroach craze. A quick Google search should bring up plenty of opportunities for you to ensure your ex meets the same fate as Franz Kafka’s Gregor in Metamorphosis.

All of the aforementioned programs provide a swift death for the animal dinner version of your ex. But if that just won’t do, the WILD LIFE Sydney Zoo is looking for names for one of their brown snakes — one of the most venomous snakes in the world — by asking people about their worst exes, reports Jennifer Hassan for the Washington Post.

To enter the competition, participants must fill out a form with their ex’s name and a brief description of why their ex is the shadiest snake out there. For those who don’t want the stories of their ex’s vile doings shared with the world the zoo promises no submissions will be released publicly. The contest-winning name will be announced on Valentine’s Day.

Jane Recker | | READ MORE

Jane Recker has written for Washingtonian Magazine and the Chicago Sun-Times. She is a graduate of Northwestern University and holds degrees in journalism and opera.